On the 26th of November 2008 four men and a golden gnome embarked on a mission that was to put fear into the very hearts of the strongest most honourable people that have ever lived. Armed only with fake beards and smiles, these men were to change the fabric of social drinking, as we know it.

Their task was to explore the west end region of the city of London, also known as Soho, to find the best public houses, and report back with their findings. This was to be a mission of epic proportions and great importance. These afore mentioned public houses we’re rated on such things as real ale quality, the tankard factor, the cosy atmosphere, the traditional grub and extra bonus points for the number of patrons with a bearded demeanour.

This journey was not a walk in the park by any means. It was a true test of endurance. The mission started off well with the team on high spirits as they left the base camp with their first checkpoint being a quaint little watering hole in the upper west end of Soho. The Argyll Arms. This turned out to be a top scorer in the Real Ale Rankings, although had it served pies to keep hunger at bay, it would’ve scored a few more points.

After the first inspiring tankard of real ale, the four men, feeling purified by an almost holy liquid substance that was Landlord Ale, left in search of more welcoming surroundings. Their prayers were answered by a somewhat heavenly parlour of debauchery named ‘The Clachan’. This was to be an experience that would make even the most well informed ale drinkers enlightened by its markedly welcoming atmosphere. The food was truly sumptuous and the company unparalleled. The men ate unaware that what lied ahead was to be an experience of experiences.

They left the Clachan feeling positive, and bloated, which spurred on the unanimous decision to have the swiftest of swift halves in each and every public house that came their way. Stopping only for inspiration from the interesting characters that crossed their path; such as a Bob Marley impersonator and a man whose father manned the swivel guns on the north west front of India. Much respect to them for their courage in the face of adversity. To get in the spirit of the occasion a hamlet cigar was enjoyed along with a glass of Samuel Smiths finest bitter at the fairly average but well situated John Snow, right in the heart of Soho.

The men and the gnome then headed west towards the lower East end of Soho. The next step on this enjoyably arduous journey was the aptly named Endurance, and an equally pleasant place to hang your hat. The four men and the gnome, now starting to feel more and more confident about the path that was set out in front of them, pulled out an almighty effort covering 3 pubs in the space of an hour, eventually finishing at the Coach and Horses.

By this time they received an overwhelming sense of achievement, after all, they were serious professionals and knew that a challenge of this scale makes for high reward. They were not disappointed and enjoyed a jug of ale and a piano rendition of Bohemian Rhapsody by Queen.

So after a red lion, a ship, a white horse, a crown, two chairmen, a dog and a duck, the men and the gnome basked in the glory at what they had achieved, in particular the gnome. He had a smile on his face the entire time.

The End