Christmas isn’t Christmas without the crackers

Christmas crackers are a must. Apart from the smell when they go “Bang” (which I am strangely addicted too) they are always guaranteed to cause hilarity at a dinner table but not because of the jokes. The real fun is simply pulling the crackers. This is when the chaos at the dinner table starts

You start by trying to nonchalantly pull the thing with one hand, but when it refuses to budge two hands really do become a necessity. Even with both hands it rejects your efforts, and the ends of the cracker are so smooth and flat they resemble and old piece of wrapping paper. This means both parties start to lean away from each other, still desperately holding on and not giving in. Inevitably, someone suddenly either lets go or the cracker gives in. The result? One of the pullers nearly falls off their chair, or the other socks the person they’re sitting next to in the face with a limp cracker. The party hat flies into the gravy, the gift hits Nan in the head and someone starts to choke on a sprout.

Now that’s what I call a Christmas dinner. Who needs the jokes?

Christmas Crackers are shit. Fact.

I’ve got a great idea for Christmas if you want to make sure it goes really well.

Firstly, buy some shit fireworks that deliver an anemic ‘crack’ to make your starter smell like a spent match. Next, give your family and guests a present which cost nothing, that nobody wants, likes or will ever, ever use. A very small comb for example. Or a totally ineffective miniature screwdriver set. Maybe a small choking hazard disguised as a puzzle.

Then the fun can really start. Rather than entertaining your friends with anecdotes or witty banter of your own, why not simply unroll a joke translated by a none-native speaker and enjoy the looks of boredom on your family’s face, as you ask them all ‘What’s black and white and red all over?’ or ‘Why did the Turkey cross the road?’ or ‘What do you call a man with a spade on his head?’

And as you’re all wearing your Sunday best and new Christmas jumpers for the special day, why not put on a shit paper hat that doesn’t fit, or look funny or serve any purpose other than forcing you to look like your whole family are members of a weird ‘shit paper hat’ cult?

Apart from the fact that they’re inherently rubbish, the worst thing, the genuinely offensive thing, about Christmas crackers is that there are factories somewhere employing real people using real fuel, energy and raw materials to manufacturer toys which are then packed in crates, sailed all over the world, driven to supermarkets, taken home, unwrapped, opened and immediately thrown away. By any standard, the wastage is ridiculous.

And don’t say it’s alright just because they’re traditional. So is giving birth in a stable without medical attention, and letting total strangers worship your baby. Although I wouldn’t want to do that before my roasties come to think of it.

The ten least-rubbish cracker jokes

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What did the fish say when it swam into a wall?
Dam.
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What does Bob Marley say to his friends when he buys doughnuts?
Hope you like Jammin too.
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What’s ET short for?
Because he’s only got little legs
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What do angry mice send each other at Christmas? …
Cross mouse cards.
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What’s big, grey and wears glass slippers?
Cinderelephant.
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What disease can you catch from putting up too many
Christmas decorations? Tinsilitis.
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Two snowmen in a field, one turned to the other and said.
“I don’t know about you but I can smell carrots.”
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What is Santa’s favourite pizza?
One that’s deep pan, crisp and even.
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Who hides in the bakery at Christmas?
A mince spy.
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What has four legs and goes “Boo”?
A cow with a cold.
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This entry was posted on Monday, December 22nd, 2008at 11:06 am and is filed under Christmas 2008. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.

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